Selections From Top One Thousand Insect Tragedies
At the old age of four, Brigitte, a Chicago bedbug, died alone on a crackhead’s
mattress miles from her nearest relative.
Charles, a Palmetto bug from Tallahassee, Fla., was crushed when a woman
closed her cabinet door onto him.
Equitable beetle from Toronto, Hal, was insecticided.
Unable to rub his legs together to make his song a depressed Jean-Louis, a
Haitian cricket, threw himself in front of a truck.
John, a fire ant from a large suburban family, was stepped on by a thirteen
year-old on a tennis court.
Tina Rodriguez, a ladybug, was trapped inside a piece of luggage on United
Flight 175 on September 11, 2001.
Paul, the first moth in his family to step foot inside a college, was trapped
unceremoniously between a screen and a window frame and starved to death
in October. His wife witnessed the whole thing but was unable to push food
through the screen due to her ceaseless histrionics.
A free-loving flea named Harold jumped up the nose of a tourist at the Louvre.
He was blown out dead a few minutes later.
After a fight with his mate, Gene “Sully” Sullivan, a Bostonian fly, stormed
off into the wrong arlirshaft at a local university and was never seen or heard
Ben, a cockroach living in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, got caught in a
sticky mousetrap. Two of his children watched him try to escape the ooze for an
hour before he told them to retreat to the nest. They thankfully didn’t witness
Karen Ng crush him with a small brown bag hours later.
Elvis Ender, drifter aphid, wandered onto an electric chair moments before a
convicted murderer was executed in Texas on August 18, 2006.
Jeff “Scooter” Hamlin, a firefly from Arlington, Virginia, was kidnapped by
the McKinley twins and suffocated to death in a mason jar.
After a small kitten batted off Craig Schloss’ sixth leg, he hobbled into some
tall grass and starved. The same kitten ate his body two days later.
Local honeybee Zelda Smith got too close to the Barber family’s ceiling fan.
As it was oscillating on high, it clipped off her wings and she fell 10 feet to her
death. She was unconscious upon impact and felt nothing.
Carol and Jim Glendale, two middle-aged butterflies looking to spice up their
sex life, were making love in the air. They smashed into the windshield of a
Dodge minivan and were wiped off cleanly.
Single mother of two hundred Bertie Jenkins died when a fire engulfed the
nest she and her children lived in.
While sucking a bloodfeast from the body of actor Charlton Heston, California
mosquito Jenny Wong suffered a cardiac arrest.
After mating a stunningly gorgeous female mantis named Julia, Matthew McDonald was eaten limb by limb. His last words were “Non, je ne regrette rien.”
(from Amy Lawless’ Noctis Licentia, p. 20)